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My first stand up show. These are the jokes I told. It was really great.

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Saturday night is no time for fighting. It is a time of merriment and cheer. All week you check into the office at 7:45 AM, greet Carol at her desk, make the air-jerk-off motion, Carol laughs, Steve laughs, remind Steve to mind his own business, and make some more calendars with cats on’em. How bout we relax for once? We’ve all tuckered ourselves out from Friday night (wasn’t that wild? At the rooftop pool?), and I think now is the time, we sit and have a nice game of Catan.

Literally any other night would be a better night for fighting. Go bloody your nose on your own time, I’m going sheep, baby!

Look, this doesn’t mean you can’t get about as oiled as a “dee sell train”. You can. In fact it is encouraged if it will get you to stop your goddam chatting about all those fights you had Sunday through Friday. Take one night off. One night. Is it going to kill you? You’re going to kill somebody? Oh it’s my face?

I think it’s your face. Stop fighting.

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Won’t thee gnash the gnarly seas / With boards as fine as silent g’s

Twisting through the ocean blue / as if hid a rock in the surfer’s shoe

But in surfing one does not wear shoes / With feet as bare as the babes are yum-city

Won’t you answer the call, oh scrappy dude / thrash Thrash THRAASHUBUNGA

It is easy to lose thoughts to tasty waves / they caress the hair like MILFs at raves

We ride 20 footers through the storm / Eating tasty spam: yum-city a second time!

Somebody better sound the alarm / because surfing is really great

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At this point on a Friday evening I’m usually out on the towwwwn. I’ll hit up mics around the city or a party or just an unsuspecting elderly couple and demand them to rub my belly at gunpoint. So what am I doing at the crib? Well ya-boy’s got wet shoes. Wet shoes cause there’s snow!

A few reasons it’s not surprising there’s snow:

1. It’s January

2. It’s the hearty northlands

3. The world is coming to an end and the weather is just a big ol question mark every day (source: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5d7EbtLb8ok )

The snow has yet to perturb me. But here I am, staying in the house, away from all the city night life we love so. And I’m not the only one. Somewhere a single mom is watching Dirty Dancing: Havana Nights while her only child is eaten by a wolf, but she is lulled to inaction— what a terrible mother. There must be reason to this madness.

The snow is poisoned. This is the only answer to why we’re all not popular. Is there anthrax in the snow? Obviously not. That would be on the news. A subtler poison hides in these flakes. A poison… of ourselves.

Each water crystal falling from the sky contains a drop of thine deepest weakness. Mine was making sweet tweets while watching the pilot of New Girl with my lady friend. What will yours be? I hope its something safe. Shit’s like Zelda: Twilight Princess up in this bitch.

Of course by “this bitch”… I mean Life.

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Haven’t been here much. Mostly because I made this account to find an illustrator for my webcomic and that shit is in the bag. But due to popular demand (we’ll call it popular demand) I plan to revisit this page with a post every damn day. Every damn day? Did I stutter!? Unlikely! This move will increase my “web presence” which is important to people with ties who don’t want to pay me money right now. Posting on tumblr more often is just what the doctor ordered eh?… I can’t hear all the negative things you’re saying—RESTART THE ENGINES!

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Possibly my favorite concept art so far by Jon Schear: Japan’s puppet master for all of modern history, the ruthless Master P.

Ninja Sandals. He’s bout’em bout’em.

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lowestofthekeys:

Society of Silly Sciences concept art for Fist of Fists.

PS: Someday we’ll have a real world version of a ferret crossbow. 

Ferret crossbow has no place in this world or any possible afterlife

Source: lowestofthekeys
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For the five people reading this blog: your massive waste of time isn’t paying off!

Now that’s out of the way. I can proudly announce that production on the Fist of Fists!!! webcomic has begun. I have allied myself with the obscenely talented Jon Schear http://lowestofthekeys.tumblr.com/ and have commenced redrafting the first script. He’s cookin’ up some concept art. It’s more fun than a barrel of respectful but still sexually active monkeys.

Speaking entirely through the world of wishes and make-believe, the initial release should debut in either December or January.

In other news, I got a new cat and his name is Waffles.

Thanks for sticking around, everybody.

Alex

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theworstlandlord:

S2E8 - The Tenant is furious when he comes home from work and discovers that The Landlord and Phil Deadman have thrown a party.  But he gets even angrier when he finds out what kind of party it is…

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Boy am I glad this doesn’t happen with MY landlord!!

Source: theworstlandlord
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touchdisky:

Snowbreak by David Martín Castán

Artist’s rendition of the tumor shown above.

(via breathtakinglandscapes)

Source: 500px.com